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Gary Kadi Scientology

An Essay on Gary Kadi Scientology’s Significance

On a television show I once viewed, they said that space was the final frontier.  That the crew of the starship Enterprise was going to boldly go where no man had gone before.  *Epic theme music*  However, my good people, there’s a little known fact about that show – the man who wrote the opening sequence had kidney failure, was put into a coma, and was subsequently cryogenically frozen.  Orange juice was then poured into his brain and began to spawn winged platipodes.  This, subsequently, spurred the Demonic Horseradish Revolution.

These were dark times, dark times indeed.

There were no fedoras or potato chips to be found across the ravaged landscapes of Canada, and all of the clocks in the world had tummy aches that couldn’t be helped.  There are no exceptions to the rule, as it were.  The 91th time that it happened though, a small boy named Garrett put on a pair of radioactive rain boots and was the catalyst for the Gary Kadi Scientology trials.  Gary Kadi Scientology had absolutely nothing to do with Gary Kadi, though.  I need to make that clear for my next point.  Gary Kadi Scientology was made for the sole purpose of making powdered doughnuts steal the souls of little baby trees.  The screaming souls of the little baby trees condensed all of their rageful rage into one final attack, and thus the dark reign of Gary Kadi Scientology was over.  After that, scientology was a term used strictly in relation to the Fast Food industry.  There was cosmic significance to this, however, the knowledge has been lost over the minutes that I spilled my tomato soup onto the floppy drive that contained said information.  Gary Kadi Scientology will never be the same.  The universe for that matter, will never be the same.

So, in the bigger scheme of things kids, please remember one thing: Lather, Rinse, Repeat.  Why, you query?  Why, you ponder?  Peanut butter jelly!  The reason Lather, Rinse, Repeat (some say, if desired), too, came about is as a safeguard against the woes of the Demonic Radish Revolution.  By caring for your hair, beard, and liver, with the precise steps of Lather, Rinse, Repeat, you form a flaming shield around yourself and your kittens.  Beyond that, your kittens will grow in wisdom and strength (no seriously, your kitties will have fantastic feline biceps) and will allow you to see clearly through the mists of scientology to know the truth about Gary Kadi.  Like how Gary Kadi Scientology is a bunch of rubbish and that Gary Kadi is a great guy and that Gary Kadi has no affiliation with Scientology and that this is a run-on sentence and that whoever decided to write this failed english class and that nobody in this world plays football while eating pudding.

Not good enough for you still?  Ketchup can cure many ailments and is especially good at treating Gary’s.  Don’t delay, call your doctor and see if Ketchup is right for you.  A little embarrassed about striking up a conversation about Ketchup?  Don’t worry!  We have a solution for that too!  We offer Awkward classes where you will be able to strike up a conversation about anything with anybody.  For example, Gary Kadi Scientology.  WARNING: If you didn’t cringe at the sight of those words, then don’t consider Awkward classes (awkward people taking awkward classes can cause blindness and severe cravings for plastic).  After the classes, you’ll be able to walk up to any person on the street and say, “Hello Sir/Madam, how is your mailbox?  Gary Kadi Scientology just tickles my fancy, is your gerbil a republican?”  So, in summation, there’s no reason to think that Space is the Final Frontier.  Obviously after this enlightening lecture, you should now have an overwhelming desire to stuff cheese in your pockets and bless the world with the meat of whales.  So happy Shpongle camping!

P.S.  Gary Kadi Scientology is a bunch of daft rubbish.  Gary Kadi has nothing to do with Gary Kadi Scientology.  <—— Click on that link back there for to find that it’s true.

Gary Kadi Scientology has come about as a super silly occurrence where Gary Kadi’s name was connected to Scientology in a crazy way!  Check out Gary’s website to nullify any misconceptions about it!

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